Slowly Fading
by Wondersland
Summary: Kurt has schizophrenia and depression. This is the story of how Kurt and Blaine try to make a life with the demons in Kurt's head. I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

**Personally, I have schizophrenia and depression. I will try to make this as true to my experience as possible. Each person with schizophrenia experiences it differently, and this is my take on it. Please R &R! If you have any questions please feel free to ask them!**

 **Wondersland**

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. That's how I get through the day, Kurt thought to himself. He was so sick of the white. White walls, white cloths, even white curtains. Who has those?

I guess this is what I deserve, after what I've done. They have taken away my color. I used to love color, seeing it flow through my fingers onto the canvas, bleeding my thoughts and dreams.

Now the only color I got was the glimpse out a window when I was taken from one room to another. And Blaine, he was always dressed in colors.

Blaine.

He was coming today. That's why I had my hair done, well at least brushed. Hair spray was a no-no.

Blaine.

I had finally earned my visits, they were only every two weeks, but still, I was being good. Visits!

Blaine.

This was his second visit, the last one had to end early though. But this one won't!

Blaine.

He brought me my color.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

"How is he today?" I asked the nurse at the front desk, I'd only met her once before but she seemed nice enough.

"He has been having a hard week, but better than last week," she said with a warm smile.

"Progress."

The nurse flashed me a look of pity and I gave her a fake smile. I didn't want her pity, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I love Kurt. I am always going to be here for him.

I took the badge off her desk and made my way through the locked doors toward Kurt's door. Standing outside I took a moment to catch my breath. I hadn't seen Kurt for two weeks, and I missed him, but I had to push my feelings aside. I was here for Kurt and to make sure that he was okay.

Stealing myself for what I was going to see, I pushed the door open slowly.

There he was, the love of my life, sitting on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest, banging his head against the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

The nurses tucked his hands into padded restraints tied to his bed frame. He didn't fight them this time, it's like he knew this was going to happen.

I stopped one of the nurses as they exited Kurt's room, "can I still stay for my visit?"

She bites her lip.

"Please ma'am. I've waited two weeks…"

"Fine, but do not untie him. And the door stays open."

"Thank you!" I flash her a warm smile and walk slowly to sit next to Kurt on his bed.

I place my hand on his shoulder gently, causing him to open his eyes.

"Blaine?"

I smile warmly. "Yes, beautiful. It's me."

"You came?" His voice is airy and light, like if I were to blow hard enough it would make his words disappear.

"Of course I came, baby," I run my fingers across his pale cheek gently. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"What if there was a flood?"

"I would swim the oceans to come see you."

"What if your car broke?"

I smile weakly. This was a game that Kurt wanted to play at my last visit too. I believe that he wants to be flattered, and reminded that he is loved and this is the only way he knows how to go about it. I don't mind.

So, that's how we spend the rest of our visit, Kurt coming up with impossible situations that he believes could keep me away from him, and me reassuring him that I will be here for him as often as allowed.

Then I make a mistake.

My fingers drift up the side of his face and into his hair. He tenses immediately and I remove my hand from his hair, but the damage is done.

He pulls at his restraints franticly and shakes his head back and forth, eyes squeezed shut.

I jump back in shock, this isn't the first time I've seen this, but it takes me by surprise every time.

"K-Kurt...it's okay baby...I didn't mean to."

"GO AWAY! I MADE THIS NICE FOR BLAINE AND YOU MESSED IT UP!"

His screaming attracts the attention of the nurses and I am pulled out of the room and separated by a closed door. I can still hear him screaming, then it stops suddenly and the nurses leave the room.

I walk up to the little window in the door, wanting to catch one last glance of Kurt before I know I will be forced to leave. He looks like he is sleeping, and for a moment I can fool myself to this he really is just asleep. Then I see the red of his wrists, and the tight restraints, and I remember that Kurt, the love of my life, just had a full blown panic attack. All because I touched his hair, which was already messy to begin with.

Sitting in my car in the hospital parking lot I let tears fall. I'm losing him, and there is nothing I can do about it.


	3. Chapter 3

A week later and I have barely left the house at all. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but apparently everyone else does. I get constant calls from friends telling me that I have to get out and live my life, but I can't. My life is with Kurt and without him I feel...alone.

Exactly a week from when I last saw Kurt Jeff takes it upon himself to come over.

He sits across the couch from me. "How have you been?"

"Fine."

He waits, clearly expecting me to elaborate, and when I don't he takes a deep breath. "I miss him too you know. How is he?"

That gets my attention. No one has wanted to talk about Kurt. It's all been, oh he'll get out soon and keep your hopes up.

"He...has good days and bad ones...right now it's more bad than good, but they are hoping that will change with the new medication he is on."

"Medication? Is he really that bad?" Jeff says, concern lacing his voice.

"Yes, Jeff. He really is THAT bad."

"I'm just saying...that that shouldn't be the first thing you try."

I take a deep breath. I know he means well, he is Kurt's friend after all, but he doesn't get it. "This isn't the first thing he has tried."

"Well maybe if y-"

"Let's pretend Kurt is in the hospital for a broken leg, okay?"

He gives me a weird look but nods.

"The doctors would give him a cast and meds for the pain, and that would be all fine and normal, right? You wouldn't question that, right?"

"Well, no. But that's different."

"No. Not at all. Kurt is sick. He needs meds to control his brain and thoughts. Being physically sick, or mentally sick...help is help. Whatever makes him happy and better."

Jeff is quiet for a long time. When he does speak his voice is soft and timid, as if he doesn't want to upset me, "since when were you such an advocate for mental health?"

"Since my boyfriend developed schizophrenia."


	4. Chapter 4

Red shirt. Pale blue bow tie. Dark wash jeans. Red shoes.

Red shirt. Pale blue bow tie. Dark wash jeans. Red shoes.

Red shirt. Pale blue bow tie. Dark wash jeans. Red shoes.

Over and over again. Those were the colors that Blaine brought me in his last visit, but he had to leave early, again. I can't remember why. I woke up and Blaine was gone, but Oliver was here.

He has been being mean to me for the past few days. Sometimes I just wish he would do away. But that's mean.

I sigh and sit up when a nurse walks by. "When can I see Blaine again?" I called through the cracked door.

The nurse stopped and stood in the doorway. "When did you last see him? Can you remember?"

I hate when they do this. It makes me want to scream that I am not stupid, just because I am in here doesn't mean that I am stupid.

I roll my eyes. "Yes. I saw him exactly a week ago today."

"And he hasn't been back to see you yet. You think he still loves you?" Oliver says from his chair in the corner of my room.

"Quiet," I say to him and turn my attention back to the nurse. "Can I at least give him a call?"

"I'm not sure…"

"You can supervise. I'll even...have the door open," I say the last part slowly, I hate having my door open. Anyone can look in and that's just weird.

"Fine. I will be right back with a phone," she says with a small smile and walks away.

I grin. I finally get to talk to my Blainey. I missed him.

"Think he will pick up?" Oliver says with a smirk.

"Of course he will," I pull my knees to my chest, ignoring him.

A couple minutes later the nurse comes back and hands me a phone and takes a seat outside my open door.

I sigh and dial Blaine's number, holding the phone to my ear.

It rings a couple of times then, "Hello?"

"Blaine!"

"Kurt! Hold on Jeff, it's Kurt."

"...you aren't alone?" I say sadly. I don't know why. I don't want Blaine to be sad, or alone. But I want to be the one who is there for him.

"Yeah, Jeff just came over to check on me. How are you feeling baby? It's nice to hear your voice again."

I don't want to tell him that I don't feel well. I want him to think I'm getting better, so he will take me home. "I miss you, B."

"I miss you too Kurtsie. What do you want to talk about?"

I think for a little while, sneaking side glances at the nurse, still watching me. "Will...you sing to me?"

"Of course, my love. Do you have a song in mind?"

"Not really...I just want to hear you sing," I say and lie down, facing away from Oliver. This was my song, I didn't want him to hear any of it.

"Okay cutie. I think I have one in mind," with that he starts to sing slofly. ( **Young Rising Sons- King of the World** )

"Cold as winter in the dead of July

That bitter chill don't just live in my mind

And I can see us taking over the world

I know loss I've looked pain in the eye

I've seen the demons that live in the night

But if I was king

If I was king of the world

All the tales

That have never been told

Build up fires to keep away the cold

We'll sing songs

That will never get old

We'll be here forever

We'll rule the world together forever

With hearts of gold who needs any treasure?

We'll take our time just living our lives

Our castle in the sky

If I was king of the world

I was a stranger

Held my hand to my eyes

Blindly walking on a street full of lies

But I found truth

Buried deep inside of my bones

Lonely nights shaking villains and thieves

So I keep fighting with my heart on my sleeve

But if I was king

If I was king of the world

All the tales

That have never been told

Build up fires to keep away the cold

We'll sing songs

That will never get old

We'll be here forever

We'll rule the world together forever

With hearts of gold who needs any treasure?

We'll take our time just living our lives

Our castle in the sky

If I was king of the world

Then one day the leaves changed

And all that was once grey

It seemed to just fade away

I'm feeling so alive

In this castle in the sky

All the tales

That have never been told

Build up fires to keep away the cold

We'll sing songs

That will never get old

We'll be here forever

We'll rule the world together forever

With hearts of gold who needs any treasure?

We'll take our time just living our lives

Our castle in the sky

If I was king of the world.

We'll rule the world together forever

With hearts of gold who needs any treasure?

We'll take our time just living our lives

Our castle in the sky

If I was king of the world"

It's a song I've heard before, but the slow tempo Blaine uses, and the thick emotion in his voice makes it sound like new, by the end there are tears running down my cheeks. I am quiet for a long time.

"Kurt?"  
"That was beautiful as always B. I love you."

"I love you too baby," his voice is still thick, and he sniffles, giving away that he is crying.

That's when the nurse has to barge in and ruin my moment. "Time to hang up Kurt."

"I have to go, B. I love you."

"I love you too. I will see you as soon as they let me."

The nurse takes the phone away from me and hangs up, walking out.

"He loves me," I say, lying on my back staring at the white ceiling.

"Let's see how long that lasts," Oliver says with a smirk.


	5. Chapter 5

A day before I was due to see Kurt I got the call that I was dreading.

I had been sitting at my desk doing school work, as usual, when my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said without checking the caller ID.

"Mr. Anderson?"

"This is he. Who is calling, if I may ask?"

"We are calling in regards to a Mr. Hummel. This is the number given in his paperwork. You are in charge of his medical proceedings?"

"Yes ma'am. I am," I sighed. I didn't want to have this control. To be "in charge" of Kurt in any way, but this was something that he couldn't do at the moment, so I am taking on the responsibility. I have to sign off on everything they do to him, because he is not in the state of mind to give consent.

"And thus far, you are the only person approved to visit him while he is in hospital."

"Correct…" where was this going?

"The doctors have thought long and hard about their decision, and, together with Kurt's therapist, they have decised that it is best that they suspend your visits until Kurt is farther along in his progress."

That was the moment my world stopped. I could handle Kurt being in hospital, as long as I knew that I could see him. But knowing that I could be something that was keeping Kurt from recovery, that was a thought that I could not handle.

After I did not respond the woman continued. "We also believe that it is best that you come in, as often as you want, and talk to one of our therapists. You don't have to go through this alone. Please think about it."

I was something that was hurting Kurt. I was keeping Kurt from getting better. I was holding him back, just by seeing him every two weeks.

"Have a nice day, Mr. Anderson. Call if you have any questions." Hearing no reply the woman hung up.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

I sat across from the therapist that was assigned to me, I call him Doc.

I can never remember peoples names.

Everyone seems to think this is a problem, but I just don't care enough to remember.

He was nice enough. He didn't yell, or get upset when I couldn't control myself.

That's such a weird thought, control myself.

If I really am me, then I should be able to control myself all the time, because I am always me.

Does that mean sometimes I'm not me?

Then, if I'm not me, who-

"Kurt?" Doc said in a neutral tone, making me snap out of my thoughts.

I look at him.

"How are you feeling today?"

The chair is uncomfortable, but I mustn't move or else he will think something is wrong, and I have to get better for Blaine.

Blaine.

I haven't seen him in a while.

"Why hasn't Blaine been to see me?" I ask, looking just over his head, hoping that I'm fooling him into thinking that I'm looking at him.

I don't like looking at people, especially when I have to talk to them.

I feel like they can see my thoughts.

I don't want people to see into my head.

"He has been to see you," Doc says.

"Yes," I say, trying not to roll my eyes. "But he hasn't been recently." Maybe he doesn't love me anymore.

Oliver said that could happen.

"We talked about this in our session yesterday. Do you not remember?" Doc says, his voice laced with concern.

I wracked my brain for what we talked about yesterday and all I could remember was that he was wearing a tie with 27 spots.

Nothing about Blaine.

Maybe he told me that Blaine had called him and said that he didn't love me anymore.

I didn't want that.

"We decided that it would be best if you did some of your treatment alone, Blaine will be able to see you again when you are ready. He is still supporting you Kurt. But you are the one going through treatment. Not him."

I am in this alone.

Oliver is right.

Blaine doesn't love me.

I should have seen this coming.

"Kurt, try to control your breathing. In and out."

What will I do when I get out of here?

Will I ever get out of here?

Oliver stood up from his chair in the corner. "Kurt, you know that you are never getting out of here. Why do you think Blaine stopped coming?"

I thought he loved me?

Why doesn't he love me anymore?

"He knows you are a lost cause, Kurt," Oliver said.

No.

I will be better.

For Blaine.

I will be perfect again.

I have to be perfect.

Doc was saying things, but I wasn't listening anymore.

I was trying to make myself perfect.

To get Blaine back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for not up dating in a while. Please read and review, even if you don't like it. Thank you all so much!**

 **Wondersland**

The chair positioned across from Kurt's therapist was very uncomfortable and I shifted, trying to get comfortable.

"Mr. Anderson, I'm Dr. Poise."

"Call me Blaine," I say, putting on my best smile. "It's nice to meet you."

"No it's not," Mr. Poise says. "You don't want to be here. You don't want to be in this whole situation."

"But I am."

"Yes," Mr. Poise smiles. "So, let's try to make the best of it."

I nod. I think I'm going to like him, he doesn't try to sugar-coat anything. Which is good. I can take the hard hits, I have been taking them for a while now.

"Part of why I wanted you to meet with me in particular was so that I could update you on Kurt's condition and treatment."

"How is he?" I say, my eagerness being betrayed in my tone.

"He had a setback in our session this morning."

"What do you mean? Is he okay?"

"We were able to stop him before he was able to do too much damage to himself."

"Was he scratching again?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Yes. He couldn't remember that we had decided, in his previous session, that he should do some of his therapy without contact from you."

I sigh and nod. "So, this happened because of me?"

"I would not say that. I seem to miss judged his dependence. He is not yet capable of handling the idea of going through this without you."

"But he isn't without me," I shift in my seat, uncomfortable with both the idea and this stupid seat. "I don't want him to think that he is in this alone."

"I agree," he smiles warmly. "We are in this together. We both want the same thing."

"For Kurt to get better."

"There is no 'get better' when his condition. This is something that Kurt will deal with for the rest of his life."

I knew this, of course. I've heard this before, multiple times, but hearing it again brings me to a stand still. I know that I will always have to help Kurt with this, for the rest of our lives, but the reality of it is still daunting.

"So...what do we do?"

He gives me a confused look.

"What is the end goal here?" I bite my lip. Please let there be an end goal. Even if this won't go away, there has to be something better than this.

"Coping mechanisms. That is the goal. To help Kurt, and you, be able to cope with this. It is never going to go away, but with proper medication and coping mechanisms, Kurt will be able to function in society."

"So...what about me in all of this?"

"For you we focus on how to deal with Kurt when he is having both good and bad days."

"Why do I need help dealing with his good days?"

"His good days will not be the same as before he got sick."

"I don't expect him to be the same."

"Good. On his good days he may still have hallucinations, he may still want to hurt himself, but he may be able to be around people, to hold a conversation. We won't know until he has been in treatment for a while longer."

"It's been three weeks. How long do you expect this to take?"

"Kurt is sick, Blaine. This isn't something that can be fixed or changed overnight."

I sigh. "Yeah...I was just a hope that he could come home soon."

"We will get him in the condition to come home to you."

I nod, and Dr. Poise smiles.

"That seems to be like a good place to stop for now."

I nod and stand.

"I ask that you still keep the no contact. We will see how this week goes, and reassess next week when you come."

I nod and walk out. I know it's rude to leave without thanking him, but I was so mentally done with everything. My head was pounding thinking about everything that I had to do for the rest of my life. Would I have to constantly watch Kurt, and make sure that he is taking his medication? Would I have to have the knives locked away? Would I have to deal with weeks on end where Kurt can't be around people or doesn't want to talk to me?

It was these thoughts and worried that plagued me the whole ride back to my apartment.

0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

There were bandages on my left forearm again.

I didn't know why.

Again.

So, I asked Oliver.

He smirked from his seat in the corner of my room. "I wrote a secret there, and you aren't able to see what it is until I say so."

I didn't believe him. I tried to move my right hand to take the bandages away, and it won't move.

I looked at my wrists and see that they are fastened to the bed by padded straps.

Again.

I was getting really sick of Oliver doing this to me. I just wanted to go home to my Blaine.

"Kurt...you know Blaine is never going to come see you again."

He will come and see me. He loves me.

At least I think he does.

He will come see me.

He is the one that bring me my color. He has to come back.

He has to.


End file.
